Why Do My Kids Seem To Lack Emotional Resilience and Grit?
"Being a good role model isn't about perfection; it's about showing up with authenticity, learning from mistakes, and demonstrating resilience. Our actions speak louder than our words, and our children are always watching and learning from us." - Kendra Nielson
This is a topic I've been thinking about for a while. I honestly want to write a book and dive deep into research, but it's not quite time for that yet. So, instead, this will be my introduction to my future book. It's something that has been on my mind quite a bit because I have tweens and teens at home and I feel like they're stuck, and I'm not really sure what to do about it. My clients have been saying the same things, and I've talked to family members recently who also agree.
The New Challenges Our Kids Face
Very recently, I was talking to clients who have shared how their kids, in many ways, are more talented and privileged than previous generations because they have access to things like knowledge, conveniences, and opportunities that no previous generation did. Yet, our children are struggling.
As I've been thinking about this, I am reminded again that this is uncharted territory for us as parents. We're not sure how to help our kids because we didn't struggle quite this way. Yes, we might have felt nervous or stressed at times and struggled as teens, but for the most part, we really weren't overcome with this debilitating anxiety. Now, there might be a few exceptions, but in general, that was the case culturally. Honestly, I don't even remember my friends and I talking about anxiety. It just wasn't something we worried about.
The Story of Letting Go
When I was getting my master's degree while raising four young kids, I learned how to let go of things and stop fixating on stuff that I cared a lot about before, like cleaning and taking over my kids' chores when they weren't done well. I liked a clean house, and I liked things done a certain way. I was a bit controlling about making sure everything was in order and in its place, which isn't a bad thing. Out of necessity during my master's program, I finally learned how to let go. I realized that I could and should let go of those things that I was doing before. It wasn't helping them. Now, I allow my kids to make more messes, and I require them to take ownership and do their jobs better.
One particular evening, my son talked about how anxious it was making him feel to have the house dirty. He's not a very emotional person; he's pretty even-keeled. On one hand, I was really impressed with his emotional awareness. On the other hand, I was thinking how interesting it was because that is not something someone would have said in my generation, especially a younger teen. This is one thing that I find very valuable about the rising generation: they have more emotional awareness. But on the other hand, it's also a double-edged sword. They are hyper-aware to the point where it almost becomes a disservice to them.
The Role of Technology
I don't think the answer to helping our kids is to keep them ignorant of their feelings. Not entirely, anyway. I think the problem lies largely in technology. We keep coming back to that, right? It is one of the most major things that has changed from our generation to those of us who are raising children now. I don't think it's the only problem, but I do think it's one of the greater problems. Another example of a coexisting problem is that these children were raised during COVID, and there was a lot of fear associated with that for a while before we learned how to navigate it.
I also believe a significant part of these problems comes from a massive insurgence of communication with people their age with immature brains or unqualified people. These people are becoming their mentors, counselors, doctors, and confidants at an unprecedented rate that we've never really explored before.
The Impact of Unqualifed and Often Young Influence
It reminds me of the early years of my marriage and my brain was not fully developed. Remember, it's around age 25 when your brain is fully developed. I would reach out to friends and family, mostly friends or even younger family members, when I was emotionally distraught in my marriage. All these years later, I realized that I created many more problems instead of solutions in my marriage. I wasn't going to healthy mentors and professionals.
When I was researching this topic, I found that teens receive about 237 texts a day. That doesn't include how much they send. They check their phones about a hundred times a day. I think I've mentioned this before, but my exchange students, I've had three now, all talk about how strange it is that many of the school districts in America allow phones in the classroom. I am equally baffled that this hasn't changed yet. How do they pay attention? Their focus is so divided.
The Drama of Teen Interaction
Think about how much our kids are being influenced by peers (also unqualifed people who are older) with underdeveloped brains who don't see the big picture and are in the stage of life where they see things through a very dramatized lens. For those of you who are old enough, it reminds me of a Jerry Springer show. Going to those types of people instead of wise, careful, thoughtful mentors with more emotional resilience and grit is a problem.
The Need for Better Mentors
I was speaking to a client who struggles with anxiety about this topic recently, and I asked her what she thinks would have helped her to be more emotionally resilient, especially as a teen and even now as an adult. She said, "All I saw in my mentors was worst-case scenarios. I just needed mentors who reminded me that everything would work out. I needed a calming presence to remind me of the best-case scenario more often." That really resonated with me. Maybe that is the key right there: a calming presence, the best-case scenario. This usually comes from more experienced people and those who have the right qualifications like doctors, therapists, and counselors, not anybody on the internet or other teens.
The Role of Technology Amplifying Anxiety
It's no wonder our children are having a hard time. We've given them technology that can amplify anxiety without understanding the consequences by surrounding our kids in this vaccum of constant and often incorrect information about what is going on around them.
Personal Reflections and Lessons Learned
I didn't protect my oldest daughter like I thought I did. I wish now that I would have armed her with better tools. This includes things like critical thinking skills, which is important to anyone who goes online or interacts with others. I wish that I would have taught her how to use her phone as a tool and to set good boundaries around using it, especially when communicating with kids her own age about problems that should be saved for a professional.
My daughter has good friends, but they're not adults. They're not wise counselors. They're not mentors who will help her be emotionally strong and resilient in the way I want for her.
Creating Solutions and Positive Changes
To start making changes, this started with having more regular councils with our kids, not just our oldest daughter but with our whole family, which includes our exchange students. We are going to Vegas soon for a trip with family. The family we are visiting are amazing and are well-grounded in ways that I want for my kids. We want our kids to see them as good mentors and peers. That is the influence I want them to have. So, we are creating more opportunities to be with positive role models.
Steps to Improve Emotional Resilience
1. Encourage Healthy Communication
Encourage your kids to talk to you or other wise mentors rather than relying solely on their peers or anybody they see/watch on the internet. Help them see the value in seeking advice from those who are qualified.
2. Limit Technology Use
Implement boundaries around technology use, especially around texting and social media. Encourage face-to-face interactions and real-world experiences.
3. Model Emotional Resilience
Show your kids how to handle stress and setbacks with grace and resilience. Share your experiences and how you've overcome challenges.
4. Foster Grit Through Challenges
Provide opportunities for your kids to face challenges and learn from them. This can be through sports, hobbies, or other activities that require perseverance.
5. Create a Supportive Environment
Ensure your home is a safe and supportive place where your kids feel comfortable expressing their emotions and seeking guidance.
6. Promote Physical Health
Encourage regular physical activity, healthy eating, and sufficient sleep. Physical health is also closely linked to emotional well-being.
Final Thoughts
Our kids are navigating a world very different from the one we grew up in. While they have more opportunities and knowledge at their fingertips, they also face unique challenges that require new approaches to foster emotional resilience and grit. By understanding these challenges and implementing strategies to support them, we can help our kids thrive in this complex world. Let's continue this journey together, learning and growing as we support our children in becoming emotionally strong and resilient individuals.
*Want to learn more? Check out our podcast episode on Kids and Technology below!
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