Can 10 Minutes Change Your Relationship With Your Kids? with Jeff Hittner

Some days, living your “best life” feels like a cruel joke. You’re working hard, showing up for your family, trying to be intentional with your time… yet you still fall into bed wondering, “Why do I feel so disconnected from the people I love most?” As parents, we often assume if we nail the career goals, keep the schedule running, and provide for our kids, the sense of fulfillment will just appear on its own. But what if the very skills that make you successful at work are quietly sabotaging your mental health and relationships at home?

In this episode-turned-blog, I’m sharing a powerful conversation with executive coach and fatherhood expert Jeff Hittner—someone who has interviewed over 200 dads and discovered six “dad gaps” that leave ambitious parents half-present, emotionally fried, and feeling like they’re failing the people they care about most. Whether you’re a mom or dad, these gaps show up in the same ways: emotional exhaustion, disconnection, and the nagging sense that the life you’re building doesn’t match the life you actually want.​

When “Doing It All” Still Feels Empty

So many of the parents I work with are high achievers. They hit their goals, show up at work, and check all the boxes of what a “good” parent is supposed to do. But under the surface, they feel:

• Half-present with their kids because their brain is still at work

• Guilty for missing the moments that matter

• Ashamed for losing their temper or zoning out on their phone

• Lonely, even when surrounded by family

Jeff’s research with hundreds of fathers confirmed what many of us already feel: this isn’t just a “you” problem. It’s a modern parent problem. He describes the biggest pain point as a time gap—not just in hours, but in attention. Parents are rarely fully at work or fully at home; instead, they’re in constant split-screen mode.​

He put it this way in our conversation:

“We’re never fully present, we’re always half somewhere else. We’re not winning either with work or at home.”​

That split presence wears on our mental health. It feeds anxiety, burnout, resentment, and the sense that no matter what we do, it’s never enough. As parents, we’re longing for emotional presence, not just physical proximity—and our kids feel that too.​

Redefining What It Means to Be a “Good” Dad (or Mom)

For Jeff, the turning point came when he realized he couldn’t become a biological father. His lifelong dream of fatherhood crashed into infertility, and he had to completely rewrite what being a dad meant. Instead of biology, fatherhood became an identity rooted in emotional presence, intentional choices, and the values he lives out with his two boys.​

He shared:

“I had to transform the definition of fatherhood for me… it helped me realize how much our own fixed mindset, our ideas, hold us back from being the people we want to be.”​

That reflection isn’t just for dads. Moms experience the same thing—rigid ideas of what a “good mom” or “good parent” looks like. We measure ourselves against cultural scripts we never consciously chose:

• The always-on, always-available parent

• The self-sacrificing caregiver who never needs anything

• The perfectly regulated parent who never loses it

But these scripts are exhausting, and they often come from a generation whose models weren’t emotionally present or emotionally literate. Many of us grew up with dads behind closed doors after dinner or parents who didn’t have the tools for emotional regulation, repair, or vulnerability.​

Jeff made a powerful distinction:

• A good dad is present.

• A great dad is intentional.​

The same is true for moms. Presence is the starting point; intentionality is what turns scattered, guilt-ridden effort into a life that feels meaningful and aligned with your values.​

The Six “Dad Gaps” That Quietly Hurt Families

Jeff identified six major gaps that show up again and again with ambitious fathers—and honestly, many of these apply just as much to moms.​

1. The Time Gap

This is the feeling of always being “on call” mentally, never fully where your feet are. You’re answering work emails in your head while playing with your kids or worrying about your teenager during a meeting. Over time, this constant split attention chips away at your mental health and your relationships.​

2. The Brotherhood Gap

Women are far from perfect in this area, but we generally have more practice talking about our struggles. Men often don’t. Jeff noticed that dads may get together for barbecues or sports, yet rarely share what’s actually weighing on them—fear of failing their kids, shame over anger, confusion about co‑parenting, or loneliness in marriage.​

He said:

“We don’t talk enough… men aren’t even having this conversation, so they’re in these gaps by themselves.”

3. The Confidence Gap

Here’s a shocking finding from Jeff’s work: 92% of dads say their primary identity is “I am a dad,” but only about one-third feel confident in that role. That means most fathers are walking around feeling like they’re bad at the thing that matters most to them.​

Shame thrives in silence. When you believe you’re the only one who’s lost it, checked out, or felt disconnected, it’s easy to spiral into self-criticism rather than growth.​

4. The Role Model Gap

Most modern parents are trying to create something they’ve rarely seen modeled: emotionally engaged, present, collaborative, mentally healthy family life. Our fathers (and sometimes mothers) often provided financially but weren’t emotionally accessible. Tech, social media, and 24/7 work expectations have only complicated the picture.​

We’re left asking: What does it even look like to be an intentional parent in this era?

5. The Co‑Parenting Gap

Even in loving relationships, many couples struggle to communicate about parenting. One parent might bend a rule for the sake of peace; the other sees that as “the beginning of the end.” Without shared language and tools, small differences can compound into resentment and confusion.​

6. The Legacy Gap

Most parents are reacting, not intentionally leading. We’re putting out fires—homework, meltdowns, logistics—without a clear sense of the long-term values and skills we want our kids to develop. Intentional parenting means stepping back and asking:​

• Who do I want to be as a parent?

• What kind of humans am I hoping to raise?

• What values do I want our home to breathe?​

As Jeff works with dads, he helps them create a fatherhood philosophy that answers those questions and guides their daily decisions.​

Emotional Regulation: The Skill Many Parents Learn Too Late

One of the most vulnerable parts of Jeff’s story is his journey with emotional regulation. Like many of us, he didn’t fully confront his own dysregulation until after he had kids. Toddler tantrums and sibling conflicts pushed him far past the coping skills he developed growing up.​

He shared how his youngest would have 30‑minute meltdowns and how, at first, he could barely last a minute or two without becoming overwhelmed and reactive himself. Over time—with support, therapy, and intentional practice—he slowly grew his capacity to sit with his son’s big feelings without exploding or shutting down.​

That change required him to look backward:

• How were emotions handled in his family of origin?

• Where was there no permission to feel, express, or repair?

• How did those patterns shape his nervous system as an adult?​

This is where therapy becomes such a powerful tool for parents. As I often tell my clients, therapy isn’t just for people “on the brink” or “too far gone.” It’s one of the fastest, most effective ways to learn emotional regulation, repair, and communication—skills that can save years of unnecessary heartache.​

In our conversation, I reflected on how many people still believe you have to be suicidal to “qualify” for therapy, which breaks my heart. The truth is, many of the most transformational changes in parenting come from learning:​

• How to calm your own nervous system

• How to apologize and repair after a rupture

• How to name what you’re feeling instead of acting it out

That might sound simple, but it’s life-changing for both parents and kids. Psychiatrist and author Dan Siegel often says, “Name it to tame it,” reminding us that labeling emotions reduces their intensity and helps the brain regulate more effectively.

Modeling Growth Instead of Perfection

One of my favorite parts of Jeff’s approach is how openly he models growth for his kids. He doesn’t pretend to be the perfectly calm, always-wise dad. Instead, he invites his boys into his process.​

He’ll say things like:

“Dad is working on trying to be more patient,” or “Dad is working on his tone of voice. If you don’t like my tone, tell me because I’m working on it.”​

That’s powerful modeling. It shows children that:

• Adults are still learning and growing

• Emotions are manageable, not shameful

• Relationships can repair after conflict

In my own home, I’ve been learning to say out loud, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now,” or “I’m very overstimulated and need a few minutes in my room so I don’t take it out on anyone.” It normalizes taking a break before things boil over and shows kids how to handle their own overload moments.​

This kind of modeling is one of the best gifts we can give our children. Psychologist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl once wrote, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” That’s what intentional parenting is: changing ourselves so we can better guide, nurture, and connect with our kids.

Presence in Manageable, Real-Life Increments

When parents hear “be more present,” it can feel like another impossible standard. Jeff noted that many dads imagine presence as sitting on the floor for two straight hours, fully engaged in a tea party or Lego build. That sounds lovely—and totally unrealistic for a parent with a demanding job, multiple children, or a brain that’s managing constant mental clutter.​

So he suggests shrinking the goal:

“Let’s focus—can we do 10 minutes being completely present, put your phone in the other room, and just say, for 10 minutes, I am going to live in my child’s world?”​

Ten minutes. No phone. No multitasking. Just inhabiting your child’s world. Then you take a break if you need to. You can always come back later.​

As a therapist and mom, this resonates deeply with me. Even with a college-aged child, I still have to intentionally choose these smaller increments of focused presence:

• 10 minutes asking real questions and listening

• A short walk together without devices

• A quick check‑in before bed where I’m not half typing an email in my head

It’s not about perfection; it’s about patterns. When your child can count on regular pockets of full attention, your relationship strengthens—even if life is still messy, busy, and imperfect.​

The Gift of Boredom and Resilience

Interestingly, Jeff also cautioned against overcorrecting for the past. Many of us grew up with less-attentive parents, so we swing to the other extreme and hover constantly, feeling responsible for our kids’ every emotional dip or moment of boredom.​

He reminds us that kids need unstructured time without us as the center of their universe. Unstructured play, boredom, and frustration are the training ground for resilience, creativity, and problem-solving. Our job is not to create the happiest child in every moment but to raise a resilient, grounded human who can tolerate discomfort and still move forward.​

That can be a huge relief if you’re a parent who feels guilty every time you can’t entertain your kids or respond instantly. Healthy boundaries around your time and energy are part of raising emotionally healthy children.​

Building Real Support: Beyond Surface-Level “Dad Nights”

Another big theme Jeff highlighted is how desperately dads need honest, vulnerable community. Many men report having “dad groups” or social circles, but the conversations rarely go beyond sports, work, or surface-level updates. Meanwhile, they’re silently wrestling with:​

• Fear of repeating their fathers’ patterns

• Shame over anger or withdrawal

• Confusion about discipline and boundaries

• Deep loneliness in their role as a dad or partner​

In his Founding Fathers program, Jeff intentionally creates groups where men are expected to show up honestly and talk about their worries and challenges. When one dad confessed that his baby fell off the couch and he felt like the worst father alive, Jeff paused the group and said, “Raise your hand if you’ve ever dropped your child.” Two-thirds of the hands went up.​

That moment didn’t excuse the mistake; it normalized being human. It loosened shame’s grip and opened the door for growth instead of self-condemnation.

For many dads (and moms), vulnerability feels risky. But it’s also the path to healing and meaningful change. Researcher Brené Brown puts it beautifully: “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome.” Real community grows when we let ourselves be seen in the messy middle, not just in our highlight reels.

Creating Intentional Family Culture and Daily Rituals

Intentional parenting isn’t only about what happens in high-stress moments. It’s also about the quiet habits and rituals that quietly shape your family culture.

One of Jeff’s favorite examples is the gratitude tree he created in his dining room. He bought a big, colorful tree decal and leaf-shaped sticky notes. Each night, his family writes down something they’re grateful for and sticks it on the tree. Over time, the tree fills up with small moments of appreciation and joy.​

He explained that he created it because he knew his good intentions would fade after a few days without a visible anchor. Putting the tree front and center turned gratitude from a one-off idea into a daily default.​

You don’t have to copy the exact ritual, but this approach is powerful:

• Choose a value you want your home to reflect (gratitude, kindness, connection, growth).

• Design a simple, visible practice that keeps that value in front of your family.

• Attach it to something you already do daily (dinner, bedtime, school drop‑off).

In my own life, I’ve been experimenting with audio journaling and then using AI tools to help me reflect on patterns and blind spots in my parenting, values, and stress responses. It’s one way I’m trying to live more intentionally instead of just reacting my way through the week.​

Growing Yourself So Your Kids Can Grow Too

One of the most profound things Jeff shared is how often dads want their kids to change—be less reactive, braver, more emotionally regulated—without realizing that their own growth is the key.​

He talked about noticing that his oldest son resisted sports because he interpreted feeling tired and uncomfortable as “something is wrong with me,” rather than “this is how my body grows.” Instead of simply pushing his son harder, Jeff started asking:​

• What needs to shift in me as a dad?

• How can I model discomfort as growth rather than danger?

• What environment can I create at home to make this easier for him?​

For him, that meant things like changing when he worked out so his son could see and join him, not just hearing about exercise secondhand. That’s intentional legacy work—aligning your actions with the kind of human you hope your child becomes.​

It’s the same for us as moms and dads. We say we want our kids to be resilient, grateful, kind, and emotionally aware. The hard truth is that the most powerful way to teach those things isn’t lectures—it’s how we live, how we repair, how we talk about our own growth.

Dancing in the Kitchen: Finding Fulfillment in Small, Joyful Moments

When I asked Jeff what has most deepened his sense of fulfillment as a dad, his answer surprised and delighted me: dancing.​

After attending a retreat that involved a lot of free, expressive movement, he started bringing that playfulness home. Now he and his boys have spontaneous kitchen dance parties. They ask Alexa to play a dance playlist, and all three of them go all out, not worrying about how they look—just enjoying being together.​

“I don’t think I’m a good dancer, but just going with music, letting go… I feel connected to me and to them.”​

It’s such a beautiful reminder that fulfillment isn’t always found in big, curated moments. Often, it’s in the silly, embodied, imperfect experiences where everyone is fully present for a few minutes—no phones, no agenda, just joy.​

For you, it might not be dancing. It could be:

• Board game nights full of laughter

• Evening walks while the kids ride bikes

• Saturday pancakes together

• Reading aloud on the couch

The point is not the activity itself; it’s the shared presence and the sense of “we belong together here.”

Returning to Your Own Best-Life Vision

At the beginning of this piece, I asked: What if the life you’re building doesn’t match the life you actually want?

Living your “best life” isn’t about having a flawless morning routine, a perfectly peaceful household, or kids who never melt down. It’s about aligning your daily choices—imperfect as they are—with the deeper values and relationships that matter most to you. That’s what fulfillment really is.

Jeff’s story and the six dad gaps give us a mirror:

• Where are you half-present, split between screens and loved ones?

• Where are you carrying shame alone instead of reaching out for support?

• Where are you reacting from old scripts rather than the parent you want to become?

You don’t have to fix everything at once. You can start with:

• Ten minutes of undistracted presence

• One honest conversation with a trusted friend, partner, or therapist

• One small ritual—like a gratitude practice—that nudges your family culture in a healthier direction

As a wife, mom, and therapist, I deeply believe that exhausted, overwhelmed parents are not broken—they’re often just under-resourced, under-supported, and trying to carry too much alone. You deserve spaces, tools, and relationships that restore you so you can show up more fully for yourself and your family.

So as you think about your own “best life,” don’t picture a Pinterest-perfect version of parenting. Picture small, intentional choices: naming your feelings instead of stuffing them, apologizing after you snap, dancing in the kitchen even when you feel silly, and reaching out for help before you hit the breaking point.

Those are the quiet, courageous steps that transform the rat race into a richer, more meaningful life—one where you’re not just surviving for your family, but actually experiencing the fulfillment you’ve been working toward all along.

If you're struggling with family estrangement or other relationship challenges, reach out at hello@fulfillmenttherapy.org. For more resources on creating fulfillment in your family and personal life, visit fulfillmenttherapy.org or connect with us on Instagram and Facebook @fulfillmenttherapy.

- Kendra

*Listen to our podcast episodes 316 and 317/ Can 10 mins. Change Your Relationship with Your Kids? Pratical Tools to Be Present, Repair, and Raise More Resilient Children, with Jeff Hittner

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