When Others Notice What Your Spouse Doesn’t: Navigating Disconnection or Attraction Outside of Marriage
Trying to live your best life as a parent sometimes feels like you’re running a marathon with no finish line in sight. You want to show up for your kids, your partner, and yourself, but somewhere along the way, the spark in your marriage dims and the emotional connection you once cherished starts to fade. If you’ve ever found yourself feeling more like a roommate than a partner, or if you’ve caught yourself looking forward to a compliment from someone outside your marriage, you’re not alone.
Today, let’s talk honestly about why this happens, what it means for your mental health and wellness, and—most importantly—how you can create more personal and family fulfillment by restoring that vital connection at home.
When Emotional Disconnection Sneaks In
It’s a story I hear often in my therapy practice: a parent confesses, sometimes with embarrassment or even shame, that they feel emotionally disconnected from their spouse. Maybe they’ve found themselves enjoying a conversation with someone else a little too much, or maybe they just miss feeling seen and appreciated at home. One client recently shared,
"It was so nice to feel seen and appreciated in ways I hadn't felt for years inside my marriage."
That longing isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a wake-up call for what’s missing and a chance to rebuild something better.
As parents, we’re pulled in so many directions that it’s easy to let our relationship slide to the bottom of the priority list. Bills, schedules, and the constant needs of our children can crowd out the small moments of connection that once came so naturally. Over time, conversations become transactional—about who’s picking up the kids or paying the bills—while the compliments and affection fade into the background.
Why Emotional Connection Fades
Emotional connection is that feeling of being seen, heard, valued, and safe with your partner. It’s the glue that holds relationships together, but it can erode quietly under the weight of parenting stress, busy schedules, and unresolved conflicts.
As Dr. Sue Johnson wisely puts it, “The drama of love is all about this hunger for safe emotional connection, a survival imperative we experience from the cradle to the grave.” This craving for connection doesn’t disappear just because we’re adults or parents. In fact, it becomes even more important as we navigate the challenges of family life.
When that bond weakens, it’s natural to feel drawn to someone who notices your strengths, appreciates your efforts, or simply makes you feel valued. Before you villainize your spouse or yourself, take a breath. This is often just a sign that you’re craving appreciation—a perfectly normal and human need.
The Allure of Feeling Seen
It’s easy to feel guilty or ashamed when you notice yourself enjoying attention from someone outside your marriage. But let’s reframe that: it’s not about wanting to be unfaithful, it’s about wanting to feel valued and noticed. As one client told me, “I felt guilty looking forward to conversations with a coworker who complimented me on skills my spouse hadn’t noticed in years. It just felt good to be appreciated.”
These feelings are complex, and they often bring up guilt and shame. But here’s the truth: they’re highlighting an unmet need in your marriage, not a character flaw. Instead of spiraling into worst-case scenarios—thinking you need to change everything or that you’re a terrible person—recognize this as an opportunity to learn and grow.
Understanding the Roots of Disconnection
When you start to feel disconnected, it’s tempting to blame your spouse for not appreciating or validating you. But as Dr. Sue Johnson reminds us,
"Most of the blaming is a desperate attachment cry, a protest against disconnection."
Underneath the frustration and criticism is a deep desire to reconnect. The good news? There’s a lot of hope. Emotional intimacy can be rebuilt, and it starts with small, intentional steps.
Practical Steps to Reignite Emotional Intimacy
1. Show Appreciation and Affection
Start by focusing on what you can control—your own actions. Show appreciation for your partner, even if it feels awkward at first. Compliment them, thank them for something specific, and make it sincere. I often recommend to couples: “Share one thing you appreciate about each other every night before bed.” It only takes a few minutes, but over time, it reignites feelings of gratitude and connection.
Here’s a tip: put down your phone, look into your partner’s eyes, and really be present. As I tell my clients, “These words don’t matter much if your actions aren’t showing that you care.”
2. Recognize and Celebrate Moments of Connection
Dr. Sue Johnson says, “A major part of keeping love alive is recognizing moments of connection and holding them up where you can both see them.” Make a habit of noticing and celebrating the small moments—whether it’s a shared laugh, a kind gesture, or a moment of teamwork.
3. Address Resentment and Hurt
Unresolved resentment can poison even the best intentions. If you’re feeling angry or hurt, it’s hard to give or receive sincere compliments. One couple I worked with admitted, “I miss how we used to laugh together. I feel like we’re more roommates now, and I don’t matter to you as much as the kids do.” Their honesty opened the door for change. Vulnerability—expressing your needs and fears with the hope that your partner will respond with care—is essential for rebuilding trust and intimacy.3
4. Use “I” Statements
Communicate your feelings without blame. For example: “I feel lonely when we don’t spend time together. I’d like to have more date nights so we can feel like a team again.” This approach invites your partner to understand your needs without feeling attacked.
5. Create New Traditions and Rituals
If your relationship feels stagnant, try creating new traditions together. Maybe it’s a Friday night candlelight dinner after the kids go to bed, or starting a new hobby as a couple. Revisiting old memories—like looking through photo albums or planning activities you used to enjoy—can also rekindle romance.
Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts."
You don’t need grand gestures; small, consistent efforts matter most.
6. Track and Share “Bids” for Connection
One exercise I love is the “bids” worksheet. Each partner writes down small gestures or actions that make them feel loved and valued. At the end of each day or week, share what you noticed and what you appreciated. This mutual recognition deepens your connection and helps you both feel seen.
7. Seek Professional Support if Needed
There’s no shame in seeking help. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your feelings, learn new skills, and rebuild your relationship. As I often remind my clients, “You are not a failure if you seek a third party. You are humble, teachable, and wise.”
The Role of Vulnerability and Trust
Building trust and emotional intimacy requires vulnerability. As Dr. Sue Johnson says, “Being vulnerable is taking the risk to show your partner who you really are, knowing they might not always like what they see, but trusting they’ll still be there.” Trust is built through small moments of honesty and care—listening without judgment, expressing needs clearly, and validating each other’s emotions.
Brené Brown puts it beautifully:
"Trust opens doors that fear keeps locked."
When you allow yourself to be seen, and your partner responds with empathy, you create a foundation for deeper connection.
Parenting, Growth, and Modeling Healthy Relationships
Remember, your children are watching how you navigate your relationship. As Joyce Maynard wisely said, “It’s not only children who grow. Parents do, too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.” Modeling vulnerability, communication, and self-care teaches your kids valuable lessons about relationships and emotional wellness.
Michelle Obama reminds us,
"To be a good parent, you need to take of yourself so you can have the physical and emotional energy to take care of your family."
Prioritizing your relationship isn’t selfish—it’s essential for your own mental health and for the wellbeing of your entire family.
Letting Go of Perfection and Embracing Practice
No relationship is perfect. There will be times when you feel disconnected, misunderstood, or even alone. But as one relationship expert said, “Perfection is not the price of love. Practice is. Love is an action even more than a feeling. It requires intention and attention, a practice we call attunement.” The goal isn’t to eliminate all conflict or frustration, but to keep showing up for each other, day after day.
Key Takeaways for Parents Seeking Fulfillment
Emotional connection fades when we stop prioritizing our relationship in the chaos of parenting.
Feeling drawn to someone else often signals unmet emotional needs, not a desire for infidelity.
Rebuilding intimacy starts with small acts of appreciation, active listening, and vulnerability.
Creating new traditions and rituals can reignite romance and connection.
Seeking professional support is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Conclusion: Rewriting Your Story of Connection
Living your best life as a parent isn’t about having a perfect marriage or never feeling disconnected. It’s about recognizing when something needs attention and having the courage to nurture it. If you’ve felt that spark dim or found yourself craving appreciation elsewhere, see it as an invitation—not a condemnation—to reconnect with your partner and yourself.
The journey to greater personal and family fulfillment starts with small, intentional steps. Prioritize those moments of connection, celebrate the progress you make, and remember: your efforts ripple out, shaping not just your relationship, but the emotional health and wellness of your entire family. As you practice these skills, you’re not just restoring intimacy—you’re creating a legacy of love, resilience, and fulfillment for generations to come.
"A major part of keeping love alive is recognizing moments of connection and holding them up where you can both see them."
— Dr. Sue Johnson
"To be a good parent, you need to take care of yourself so you can have the physical and emotional energy to take care of your family."
— Michelle Obama
"A major part of keeping love alive is recognizing moments of connection and holding them up where you can both see them."
— Relationship Expert
If you’re ready to take the next step toward personal and family fulfillment, check out our resources and courses at Fulfillment Therapy. Your best life—and your best relationships—are built one small, intentional moment at a time.
Join us on Fulfillment Therapy, where you'll find healing, wellness, and the tools needed to live a life you can't wait to wake up to. Together, we can create positive ripples of change and help others ignite their lives with lasting joy and fulfillment.
Thanks for reading and listening and shine boldly and brightly, my friends!
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